Reflections from early June

In true blog form, below is an entry of my rambling thoughts in full blogger style. Feel free to skip this one, it's mainly just for me to get my thoughts out so I can figure out what I want to do with my life during this quarter life crisis! This is a post of me venting about a lot that's been on my mind so I apologize in advance if it sounds like a lot of complaining. It helps me organize my thoughts when I write them down, and I hope some of you can help me. I would really appreciate any thoughts or advice :) I can't be the only who has felt like this!

Now more than ever people are creating their own jobs because there just aren't enough jobs available. If you can do what you love, that's terrific! But what if you can't do what you love? Does that mean life is less fulfilling? Does it mean that you've settled? Does it mean that if you don't do what you love then you're selling out to The Man?

We live in a society that tells us that the answer to all of these questions is yes. For years I've been trying to figure out how to make my passions profitable, and I understand the logic behind that goal, but does it really make sense for all of us? My qualm is that I have many passions, none of which I feel I can realistically do for a living. In the wise words of an e-card, "I do many things well, none of which generate income."

So instead of trying to find a "perfect" job, what's wrong with getting a decent job so that I can come home afterwards and then focus on what I love? We are so pressured to find what we love and make it our job, because if you love what you do then it won't feel like work, right? But what's wrong with work?

Let me take a moment to give some background on my perspective. As far as I know my only readers are people who personally know me, shout out to you handful of dedicated Ku fans! For anyone who doesn't know, I have spent the last 5 years running a medical device start up company with my father. I have learned a great deal in the past half decade, all of which is completely credited to my dad, who is an excellent teacher and mentor. Our adventure with this company has given me the unique opportunity to experience a variety of jobs in areas of manufacturing, marketing, research, accounting, sales, design, coordinating, patents, insurance, FDA regulation, training, clinical trials, publishing papers, and more.

About a year ago, my boss-dad told me that if I was interested in dropping down to part-time, I was more than welcome. We had found a distributor for our device to do sales so my workload was forecasted to not be as heavy. Excited with the door of possibilities ajar, I sold my condo and started making travel plans. I took a road trip around the States for 7 weeks, took a mini trip to Australia, and headed to Southeast Asia for the summer. I am currently in China, south of Shanghai, WWOOFing on a farm.

I had several goals with this trip:
1) Spend more time in China (I was here in 2009 for 10 days and had been itching to come back ever since)
2) Eat
3) Figure out what I want to do with my life

I get restless easily. Since leaving the nest, I've never lived in the same building for more than 2 years. My relationships have never made it much longer. I don't have a car, nor do I have any pets. My job has been the longest commitment in my life so far, and I'm not even full-time anymore.

Depending on your view, I'm either afraid of commitment or I suffer from wanderlust. Perhaps it's a bit of both. I've been noticing this pattern in my life for quite some time and I am still on the fence about whether it's good or bad. I worry that I will never be satisfied; that I'll always think that the grass is greener on the other side. I don't like feeling that way. I want to be able to be content and to just enjoy life instead of always searching for something. If you've ever heard "Something's Missing" by John Mayer, it describes the feeling perfectly: "Something's missing, and I don't know how to fix it. Something's missing and I don't know what it is at all."

Let's explore the thought that "The grass isn't greener on the other side, it's green where you water it." What if instead of trying to find the perfect job or perfect house or perfect relationship, I choose to be content with what I have? Is that any different from settling? Where is the line between facing reality and giving up hope for the best? Does anybody else worry about this?

I started this post with the intentions of fleshing out what I want out of my next job.

Working at this farm is fun, and I enjoy the work a lot. But I am aware now more than ever that I do not want to work in a start up company again, at least not for a while. Even though this business is completely different from mine, new companies all have similar challenges. The most struggling challenge I have found both with my company and with this company is the lack of support from an experienced team. While some people may find this kind of challenge exhilarating, I find it extremely frustrating and exhausting. I may be adventurous in some areas, but I've discovered that exploring the unknown in a business environment is just flat out draining. In the kitchen, bring it on! With art and music, it's an absolute requirement! But in work, no thank you. I'm not afraid of making mistakes, those who have experienced my cooking know all too well how experimental I can be, since the most at stake is only a few bucks and a mess in my kitchen. But when it comes to work, I've come to the conclusion that the unknown only means one thing: inefficiency. Lots of time, money, and energy goes into new companies, and while none of it is wasted (as they're all learning experiences), they certainly still get expended, usually at the cost of someone else's money.

I don't like being responsible for things in which I am neither qualified nor skilled, and in any start up, everyone involved is forced into those roles, sometimes with little help. I like sticking with what I'm good at: organization, design, and creativity. I want to be part of a team in which I am responsible for one or two areas, not twenty seven. I don't want to be a manager, I don't want to try and get to the "top". To me, management is just babysitting adults. Lots of people daydream about being their own boss, and I don't understand it. It's an enormous burden and I don't think people realize the weight of the responsibility. Perhaps it's because most people have bad bosses, but I've been blessed with good ones, and I prefer to let them handle the plethora of responsibilities.

Working here feels too much like what I've been doing for the last 5 years. I both live and work here. There is no separation, and I don't like that. I want work and home to be separate and I know that now more than ever. I don't necessarily want to work for a big company, but I want to work at an established company. I want to put my juggling balls down.

I feel a little silly as I write this because I know that every job will involve doing things with which I'm not familiar and doing things I don't want to do. I went from one extreme of sitting at home in front of a computer all day to the other extreme of being outside doing physical work all day. I know with great confidence now that I don't want either of those, but there are definitely a lot of possibilities in between. This was the point of my trip, to try to narrow down what I want to do.

One thing I have noticed is that I actually don't work very well with others :-\ I don't trust people to do things right, so I tend to take on a lot of responsibilities and do them myself instead. This is another reason why I'm not good for management hah. I think if I was part of a team with people who were reliable it would be a different story; and in my mind, as long as you have good people, the type of work is irrelevant. In work I've often felt like I lack support, so I would rather focus on finding work with a good team with reliable people than finding the perfect job description.

One of the things I dislike most about working from home is that I do a lot of work outside of typical work hours. Sure it's nice to have flexibility throughout the day, but I hate not being able to have work and home separated. I know it's likely that I will eat my words, but I want structure; I crave it. I want to go to a place and be able to mentally and physically clock in and clock out. When I leave work, I want to fully leave work. I'm to the point where I think I want a job that is routine (maybe administrative?) so that I can come home and focus on cooking, art, gardening, and music. Everything I love to do doesn't make money, and I'm very much ok with that. I can work to work and not live to work.

Here are some other things I'm contemplating, in no particular order:
» Ignore everything I just wrote and try to find a travel writing job where I will continue working from "home"
» Move to France, squat in my parents' place, and do local work
» Come back to Atlanta and see if I can even find a job!
» Get a RV and nomad around the Americas
» Stalk Nicole Curtis to try to become her apprentice and learn how to renovate houses
» Again ignore everything, and focus all my energy back into PneumoniaCheck
» Try to find a job in the area of agriculture, philanthropy, urban farming, food, etc. that is 9-5.

I know it's natural to go through this kind of thing, and I'm not really even that stressed about it, but it's just what I've been thinking about over here. I know things will work out no matter what. I've had an incredible life so far and I'm so grateful for all of my opportunities and the fact that I even have so many options. Have any of you ever felt like this? Wondered about jobs and settling and what you should do with your life? Let's talk!!

Anyway, thanks for sitting through my rambling :)